Long Over Due Update.

I was going to blog about my experience with Hep C therapy.  I found it very depressing, so I didn’t want to write about it.  So I have neglected my blog.  But now I will have to change my blog name.  Therapy is over. And it was a failure.  The virus has grown resistant to the medicine.  So I am not cured, and there isn’t any other treatment. 

Now I have to wait, and see if anything new comes down the pike in the next few years.  That sucks. 

I have been living at home, with my mother and her husband.  That has been hard, too much old baggage has come back to haunt me. 

I hope to  move back to Alaska, where my sons are. But until that far away time I am going to get a job. And I am going to blog about things that really interest me.  I didn’t want to discuss politics or any of the other things that stir people up. But damn I can’t even comment on Facebook these days without causing a dust-up.  So you know I’m just going to go for it.  Who knows I might get hate mail. 

A Final Act of Friendship.

Today I said goodbye to a very dear friend.  Tammy Zeedyk passed away last week, today the people who loved her laid her to rest.  The service was simple and moving. And surprisingly I feel better this evening.   I know that I will still cry and I will miss her terribly, but the past door has closed.  The move on door has opened.

Going through the ceremonies that are connected with death really are important.  Until today I really didn’t understand that. Grieving in a group, connected with people who also feel the same as you do.  It does bring some kind of closure.  I didn’t have that with my father.  There was no funeral or memorial service.  And it doesn’t really feel like he is gone.  That door to the past is still slightly ajar.

Tammy and I were the best of friends when our children were young.  Now those children are young adults.  Her children have little kids of their own.  She has 6 grandchildren.  It did me good to hug each of her children, and to share their grief.   I didn’t want to leave them.   I just wanted to try to protect them.  I wanted to pamper them, and feed them. And not leave them alone. The same way their mother would.

In later years we were  not as close as we had been.  I moved away to Alaska for a few years. She had lived to a time with my ex husband.

Once I moved back to Kansas, I was determined to find Tammy and be friends again.  I chose to forgive her for dumping our friendship and taking up with my ex.  How could I do that?  Because I missed my friend. I missed the fun we had, I missed her laugh.  I really missed her jokes.  She was so incredibly funny.  I chose to forgive and get my friend back. I chose not to be bitter, and to move on.   I chose to be happy, and share it with her.

Tonight I am content with that decision. Today I was able to show her one last kindness. Today I was able to say goodbye.

Memories of My Dad, Donald Ray Williams

After fighting cancer for two years my father passed away today.  We all knew it was coming. But I always hoped maybe somehow he would defeat it.

When I saw him the last time about a month ago, I barely recognized him.  He had always been a large man, six feet tall and walked with a John Wayne swagger.  A hard fighting, hard-drinking Irishman from Kansas City, Missouri.  He had been reduced to a small old man, who couldn’t get out of bed.  He struggled to stay awake, because he wanted to see his daughters.

I don’t have many memories of him.  My parents divorced when I was 6.  And for most my childhood from the time I was 9 until I was 20 I never saw him.  Then one day he just found us, my sister and me.  And after that we would see each other every few years. I’d call on the Father’s day and Christmas.

I may not have visited him often, I always knew he was out there. All I had to do was call him.  Drive my kids down to see him.  Now he won’t be there. I will miss his funny stories of being an other the road truck driver. He was funny, and could tell a great tale.  I remember laughing so hard, I couldn’t breath.

He is survived by my step-mom Shirley.  I admire the way she look care of him the last two years.  She’s a great lady.

On our last visit I got to tell him I loved him. He held out hands and didn’t want to let us go.  I left knowing I would never see him again. Gratified that he was comforted by his daughters coming to see him.

First Week Down

Today marks the end of the first week of therapy. It started out okay. Didn’t feel great, but could still keep going. Until yesterday.

I have to stand on my feet all day on my job. After three eight hour days, I couldn’t do a fourth. And today I just stayed home.

One of the reasons I moved into my mom’s house was the fear of being too sick to work. It is not a decision I am going to make today.

Today I am just going to enjoy an evening of politics (gotta love super Tuesday), and take it easy.

Just a Short Word about Dr. Appointments

Today I met with the nurse practitioner to learn how to give myself a shot. I had already looked it up so I didn’t learn anything I hadn’t already covered. Even though she was very informative, she told me nothing I didn’t already know.
The really sad part of the visit, is we talked most about how I was going to pay for all this.
So far I feel tired and I am getting a slight rash. But I know this reprieve won’t last long. Besides I have written on my blog two days in a row. Win for me.

Tomorrow is Day One.

I have neglected my blog for a few months.  I’ve been in shock since late September when I found out I had Hepatitis C. Don’t know how I got it, and it really doesn’t matter at this point.  Then I found out how much treatment is going to cost. Even with insurance my part would have been $7,000 a month.  Yes, there are three zeros behind that seven.

Since I have a crap job, with no money. I don’t have to pay for the medicine after all.  But I will end up paying for the twice a month blood tests, after my insurance maxes out.

Tomorrow is the day I am going to start treatment.  From all I have read and from what my doctor says it will be awful. You know it is bad when the doctor says “its rough, are you ready for this?” Well,do I have a choice?

I plan on blogging about this and other things as I feel able. It will give me something to focus on besides wanting to throw up.  I made no promises but I hope to write at least once a week.

Got an Email from my Congressman

Not that long ago President Obama gave a speech and told us to contact our Representative and tell them what we thought about the deficit fight.  And I did. And that put me on his email list.  To my surprise just a few days ago I got another email, asking my opinion on jobs and how to make more of them.

I am from the Kansas First District. My representative is Congressman Tim Huelskamp.  He is Tea Party through and through. And the one time I saw him on the Rev. Al Sharpton’s show I was embarrassed. The survey he sent did impress me.

It asked three questions. It asks how I thought the budge should be balanced and gave a list of options to choose from.  They included a balanced budge amendment, cutting entitlements , cuts in defense and non-defense spending and raising taxes for everyone or just for the rich.  It was a good list.  The choices covered most the options that we hear about.

Then it asked a question that surprised me. If I thought another round of stimulus would hurt or help the economy. I was surprised that someone like Congressman Huelskamp would even think to ask that question.

Then the last question asked if I wanted to President in his upcoming speech to ask for more federal stimulus to fund job creation. A simple yes or no answer.   That surprised me too. It makes me wonder if he is actually considering for more stimulus, or is the Congressman just making as show of listening to his constituents.

I filled out the survey and sent it in.  I am considering forwarding it to my relatives, and having them fill it out too.  I don’t know if he will really take into consideration any feedback that does not agree with his ideals. I am just happy that he asked.  Makes me feel that maybe my opinion is a little important.

Drug Testing and Welfare

I love Facebook. Most the time.  There is a status that I just can’t stand. It is this one:

Thank you FLORIDA and KENTUCKY!! Florida and Kentucky are the first states that will require drug testing when applying for welfare, effective July 1st. Some people are crying this “unconstitutional” . How is this unconstitutional? It’s OK to drug test people who work for their money, but not those who don’t? Military is drug tested. Re-post this if you’d like to see this done in all 50 states!!!!

To me it is so demeaning. It is saying people in need are all drug-users or at least they are all dishonest.  I once had to get temporary help from the state when I had a problem pregnancy. I was on welfare for about 3 months, until my son was born and I went back to work.  And I called up and got of the roll. The caseworker at the time told me that what I was doing was common. People only take the help they need. Most people want to sustain themselves.

This idea that welfare is only for druggies or lazy people is nuts.  It is as much like people thinking if you get food stamps you must be unemployed.  I am underemployed at the moment, and I get a little bit of food stamps.  I do have a job. It just doesn’t pay much.

What really gets me going is the comments that follow the above status update.  I wonder if the writers of those comments have even needed a little extra hand? Or have they always had a job, food, and housing?  Have they ever had nowhere to go, and no way to get there anyway?

Today I feel justified in my stand against the drug testing for welfare debate.  The statics show that most people getting help do not use drugs.  Out of the drug testing that has been done in Florida, only 2%, yes I said TWO PERCENT of those tested have a positive drug result.  The other 98% have now to to wait for the state to reimburse them for the cost of the test.  So how did this help poor people, having them pay for a test they didn’t need, to prove something they already knew they didn’t do?

Take that you narrow-minded conservatives.

Summer Holiday?

I seem to have forgotten I had a blog this summer.  I wish I could say I would be making a comeback to the world of blogging. But I am not sure.  This summer has been long, and hot. And I haven’t been feeling well.  But I do have things to say. And things I want to stand up for. So maybe I will be making an appearance again.  More later, I promise.

I can honestly say, it hasn’t been a holiday.

My Favorite Time Waster.

What do I do to waste time?  It used to be watch TV.  Then TV became boring when compared to the computer.  Video games have been a major time waster in my home since my dad gave my son a Nintendo for Christmas way back in 1991. Then it was Mario and the Legend of Zelda. After that came the Sega Genesis.  Man, I miss that gaming platform.  We even had the Sega Channel on our cable. Every week we got a new list of games to play. Some of the greatest games were made for the Genesis. Landstalker, Earthworm Jim, Sonic, Zombies Ate My Neighbors.  After that we wasted way too much time on the Playstation.  Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy Tactics, Parasite Eve, Dino Crisis, Resident Evil, and Silent Hill.

Somewhere during this time we got a home computer.  And with the PC man did we have games.  Diablo II which I still play to this day. The Sims (1,2, and 3)., Command and Conquer, 1701 AD, and too many others I can’t think about.

Now I waste my time with casual games from the internet.  I love Pogo.com, and play Club Pogo games all the time. Can’t believe I really pay a yearly fee to be in the club.  I have even paid for more months and for more than one account of World of Warcraft. But I have never played the game itself.  I won’t because that game has caused so many family fights. “It’s my turn on the computer”, “don’t play my character”.” I can’t come to dinner I in an instance.” I can’t take a bath, take out the trash, or go to bed in an instance.” Please! But I still pay for accounts, and I still wish the kids would get sick of that game. Of course that will never happen, whenever people start getting board Blizzard just makes another expansion.

I also love Gamehouse Games. I’m a big fool over Diner Dash (once downloaded it to my phone. Then the phone got wet. So sad.) Cake Mania, Jewel Quest, Wedding Dash, Farm Frenzy in its many, many forms. If it is a time management game, I’m there.

So now I am about to embark on a new writing project, but I just can’t seem to quit the game habit long enough to write. I guess that’s why I have an Alpha Smart Neo. No computer, no games, and I get writing done.  I really just need more self-control I think.